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At Marryment, we strongly recommend estimating your guest count early in your wedding planning process– meaning before you set your budget and before you tour venues. This is a fundamental difference between Marryment and the other planning guides out there. We believe that your wedding day is about the love you share with your partner and about the curated group of people you surround yourself with. Wedding days are memorable and beautiful when surrounded with the people you want to be there. Think about it: this may be the only time in your lives that this group of people are all in one room together. By intentionally prioritizing who you want to spend the day with, it sets a people centered tone and intention. If you start the conversation with budget, the tone and intention can quickly become about dollars and cents.
Now don’t get us wrong, there is most certainly a correlation between guest count and budget. The more people you have in a room, the higher the cost will be. We are here to tell you, though there is a correlation, it is not one hundred percent dependent. You can have a low guest count and a high total cost whereas you can have a high guest count and a lower total cost.
We’re also not saying that you won’t have to make cuts to your guest count to accommodate your budget. This is a very real situation that happens during the process. This initial estimate is not your final guest count, in fact you will likely revisit this list several times before sending out your save the dates.
All we are saying is that starting with this step sets the tone and intention for your day as a people centered celebration of love of friends, family and VIPs.
Aside from setting the intentions of your day to focus on the people you want to celebrate with, we are tactically looking for the upper bound– the number of guests you might anticipate having at your wedding. This number directly informs the types of venues you will be inquiring with. You don’t want to waste your time touring a venue for three hundred people if you’re planning to have fifty guests, or a venue for one hundred-fifty people with a three hundred person guest list.
As you are beginning to create your guest list estimate, we’ve seen this go a number of different ways. You may want to consider organizing your guests into categories such as “must invite” and “nice to invite”. You may want to consider making three lists, the A list of guests, B list and C list. We don’t have a strong recommendation here. This is a personal preference and it is all about how your brain works. Here are six groups of people to consider and write them down. You can do this together as a couple or individually but ultimately the lists will be combined.
These are your number one, must attend people. The people that if we had to cut this list down to the bare bones and no one else could attend, they would absolutely have to be there for your wedding day. Try to be somewhat conservative with this list as you go through.
The reason we have this group is second is because frankly it’s typically easier to recall off the top of your head. These are typically aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. We are not saying these people will make it to the final list, but just for this exercise here, list these people out. Try to keep it equally proportioned between both partners. If one partner is including aunts and uncles, the other partner should too. The same should be applied when considering cousins. We know family is a complex dynamic and it isn’t always an equal split. You know your unique situation. Take what is helpful here and leave the rest!
This is the first time we are going to broach this topic but certainly not the last. There is absolutely no right or wrong answer here, this is about what you want for your wedding day. On one hand, kids can be a little bit disruptive or a little bit unpredictable. Perhaps that’s not the vibe you’re willing to have for your wedding day. Alternatively, they are wonderful members of the family. Maybe you want to celebrate with them or perhaps you’re a blended family and you’re bringing children into your marriage. Whatever your reasons are, they are yours and they are valid. If at this point you have a question mark associated with whether or not to include children, let’s choose to jot them down. We are searching for the upper bound, the maximum number of people you would invite to your wedding, you will make a final decision later.
Extra seats are invitations that you have given out to parents or other VIPs to extend invitations on your behalf. We most typically see this as former neighbors, business partners, lifelong friends of theirs etc. This is another set to keep equally proportioned between the two of you. If you have offered four extra seats to your parents/VIPs, then offer the same number to your partner's parents/VIPs.
We affectionately call this fifth group the group of “others”! These are your friends, your co-workers or anyone that didn’t quite fit into the prior categories that you’d love to see on your wedding day.
Excuse us while we shout this from the roof tops, you are not obligated to extend a plus one to anyone or everyone at your wedding! This is completely at your discretion. General etiquette states that if someone is married, engaged, cohabiting or if it makes sense in that relationship to extend a plus one, go ahead and do that. We will put more parameters in place further down the road.
Now that you’ve gone through this initial exercise, take a look at your estimated number of guests. If you feel good about this list as your estimate, and the number reflects your preferences, awesome! You are done for now and can move onto setting your budget. However, if you are unhappy with this estimated number, we can do some refining. Here are six questions to ask yourselves as you go through this refining process.
If the answer is no, this is likely not the day you want to meet someone for the first time. Of course there are exceptions, but generally speaking you may want to consider removing them from your estimate.
Taking this even one step further, would you speak to them within the next year if the wedding wasn’t coming up? If the answer to this question is no, you may want to consider removing them from your estimate.
We acknowledge that it can get real awkward at Thanksgiving dinner, especially when someone assumes they’ll be invited. We aren’t encouraging you to make decisions based on obligation, but it is a consideration.
Obviously the relationships you have today are super important to you. However, in the spirit of potentially wanting to lower your estimated guest count, if you no longer had the proximity to them would they still hold the same meaningful position in your life?
If the answer to this question is no at any point, cut them from your list. You do not deserve to feel uncomfortable at your own wedding! No matter who this person is, if you do not feel comfortable around that person, they don’t have a place at your wedding.
If so, you may want to reallocate the number of seats given to each side of the family.
When giving out extra seats to parents or VIPs, communicate your expectations clearly to the receiving party. If you are giving your parents four invitations to invite whoever they want, be sure to communicate clearly that it is just four.
You may hear the recommendation to invite guests to your ceremony only or just the late night bit of the reception for dancing only which doesn’t include a meal. Though we’ve seen it happen there are a couple of things to consider. First, they may be offended. Second, they may arrive quite intoxicated. There is enough time for a “pregame” situation and there is no meal being served to them at the reception to help with that. Third, think about the logistics behind this. How will they get there and back safely? What to do if dinner is still being served? These are all things to consider.
Our final food for thought is surrounding RSVP rates. The most common statistic is that between 75%-80% of guests invited will RSVP yes. However, don’t bank on this. Though it is common it does not represent your unique situation. Don’t choose a 200 person maximum venue and invite 225 people. Though the statistics indicate you’d be fine, don’t plan for that. Additionally, be aware that couples who send a smaller number of invitations typically see a higher rate of people responding with yes because your list is already curated to your core people!
Now that you’ve estimated your guest count, let’s get into budgeting!
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Photo Credit to JNA Visuals
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